The First Ever
Weeping Willow Contest!

Top Ten Reasons why I deserve a free signed copy of the book "Weeping Willow Volume One: Welcome to River Bend" by (the great) Geoff Hoff and (the greater) (shhh...don’t tell Geoff, he thinks he’s greater, but we know... Hey, I’m right here. Oh, hi, Geoff, I was just, uh, stroking his fragile ego because he really needs it. Yeah that’s it.) Steve Mancini.

10. I’m having a bad hair day.

9. God owes me for making me sit through "Kung Fu Hustle."

8. I’m short and need the book to sit on when I sit at the "adult’s table."

7. I’m very insecure and need to be able to prove that I know real celebrities.

6. It would go great with my signed copy of "The Private Diary of Lyle Menendez" I got at the 99 Cents Store.

5. Every time a new chapter comes out, I keep forgetting what happened before and have to re-read the whole damn thing from the beginning.

4. I’m starting my own check-forging business and really need to know how Geoff and Steve sign their names. (...perhaps I have said too much).

3. To make up for me not making pope. (I so deserved it. But you’re Jewish. Yeah, but they don’t know that.)

2. Unlike their real friends Peter, Agnes and Cliche, I didn’t get a character named after me, so this should help make up for it.

And the Number One reason why I deserve a free signed copy of the book . . .

1. My Weeping Willow t-shirt isn’t getting me enough tail.

Joel E.
West Hollywood, CA

(This entry made us both laugh. Okay, we can't help it, we love David Letterman.)

Why I Deserve A Signed Copy of Weeping Willow Volume One: An Angst-Ridden Romantic Tragedy-Infused Cop Drama-esque Stand-up Comedy Routine Performed By Interpretive Dance.

I found Weeping Willow in December of 2001, right before the posting of Installment Eight [arabesque]. The ad promising I would laugh until I farted was too ingenious to ignore [chasse]. After spending a good bit of time reading the first seven installments, I had not farted, but instead laughed until my eyes bled [fouette en tournant]. I waited with baited breath as Installment Eight was posted, and jumped on it as soon as it was available [allegro pas de chat to a rond de jambe en l'air]. My hopes and dreams were not dashed, and instead I was treated to an exceptional read filled with laughter, terror, tears, two men bonding over power tools, an accountant left in charge of a diner, Uncle Hubert’s Five Alarm Chili, and the first ever instance of pants tenting in the story [faded lights, spotlight on the etoile performing an epaulement with an entrechat and an enrosque].

Okay, so I’m out of dance terms. For the rest of this piece, assume the dancer is now pretending to be a flower giving birth to a hyena, and you should have it.

Weeping Willow gave my life meaning at a time when I felt all was pointless. Geoff and Steve (alphabetically, because if you put them in order by talent it would be Geoff and Steve, or by wit it would be Geoff and Steve, or by comedic genius it would be Abbot and Costello) have written the only story in the world where an accountant can actually be an interesting main character, and not having a book of that would be a travesty to all mankind. Plus, when they get big, I’ll be able to say I knew them way back when and have the signature to prove it. Then I’ll be a legend. And isn’t that really what Weeping Willow is all about?

No?

Oh. Sorry. I was reading too much into it. It’s really a story about a straight man and a gay man becoming friends in a tiny little town and all the adventures that go along with it, mostly involving theater (theatre?). Close enough. I still want a signed book of it.

Steve T.
Middletown, OH

(The thought of putting Weeping Willow to dance made us both giggle. Especially Steve, who had to be taken to the hospital. And not only because he tried to do the dance. Interesting note: this entry was also the first we received.)

Why I deserve a free signed copy of Weeping Willow Volume One: Welcome to River Bend.

Jeez, I'm 45 years old and reliving the horrors of a sixth grade homework assignment.

First one done.

That's my reason, for this contest, and for life. The criteria should be that the first one done gets the prize, regardless of how crappy the entry.

First one to clear your plate? You get to leave the table. First one to have an orgasm? You get to roll over and go to sleep. First one to finish the twenty-third shot of tequila? You get first crack at the porcelain god.

First one done took a no-nonsense approach and got the job done. Anyone can take a year to break off a dead end relationship, but why waste good birthday card money on yesterday's true love? Make that dinner reservation at an expensive restaurant you never plan to go back to, practice your "It's not you, it's me" speech, and get it over. Then follow up an hour later with your safety net: Hooters; corner table facing the waitress station; 100 wing platter; that buddy who is more of a jerk than you ever will be, and enough beer to keep you pissing until Noon tomorrow.

Ever hear of the sixth person across the finish line getting a gold medal because he had the best form? Who interviewed the seventh psychic who predicted the Red Sox would win the World Series? What good is it to be the fourth person in line for the 'good parking spot'?

Choke it down. Let it pop. Don't sip, chug. Just do it first, and be done.

My prize? Inscribe it 'First is better', and I'll send it to my second best friend.

Michael G.

Troy, MI

(Michael might have won, except he was the second entry we received. We might have made him the first runner up, but that would have been too obvious.)

I don't know where to begin. When I stumbled across JosephCoaler.com and clicked on the Weeping Willow link, I never thought I'd find two individuals that write like I think.

The excerpts from the story that I read would be rated a 3C for Concise, Comical and Charismatic. I've sent the website link to about 40 people and have everyone talking about it. Besides giving me a reason to drag myself into the office everyday, whenever I feel a downer coming, I pull the site from my favorites and read. It cheers me up every time because things could always be worse.

If I was to win the contest I'd read the book very careful and then purchase a specialty book stand just for it. It would go onto display along with my the other great novels I've read - "Great Expectations", "Far From the Tree", "Trying to Sleep in the Bed You Made", "Coldest Winter Ever" and now "Weeping Willow Volume One: Welcome to Riverbend".

So if you two great guys could find it in your brilliant minds to bless me with the prize, I'd be forever grateful. I wrote the following for you:

Geoff Hoff and Steve Macini
I started off thinking they were meanies
Lee got drunk and swore a bit,
Had to pay a quarter tip

Got locked up and screwed by his wife
Couldn't even pay "Twain's" brunch (I know it was breakfast, but that didn't rhyme)
Had to pay off the diner and fix a car

Remember, he had no money at all
I thought how cruel
as I laughed till it hurt

Geoff and Steve,
they did a great job
I don't know what others may think
but I got a real kick out of Lee and his grief

Glad to see that things worked out,
Lee ended up in the theater house

Ethiopia N.
Detroit, MI

Aside from the fact that I am a huge fan of Weeping Willow, I should win this contest because my life has become a series of cliches. All of these apply - nasty divorce,mid-life crisis, middle-age spread, mittleschmertz, empty- nest syndrome, going through a hard time, and vaginal dryness.

If I win, I want the book, but I don't want the cards, stickers, dollar bills, small food items, or other chachkis. I want a puppy. His name will be Bug. There is no reason for my choosing this particular name. I'm not crazy, but I am borderline personality, which means that I come awfully close to actually having a personality, but I never quite get there.

Just picture me and Bug, snug as bugs in a rug, reading our signed copy of Weeping Willow; lonely,penniless, retaining water, and wrinkling more and more with every passing minute. Replace my wrinkles with laugh lines, guys! Pick me! Pick me! Stop picking your noses and your wedgies and pick me!

Nancy E.
Edensburg, PA

Why I Should NOT Win The Free Hardback Signed Copy Of The Book
"Weeping Willow Volume One: Welcome To River Bend"
(Or: An Essay Written At The Last Minute By A Fan Who's Devotion Is Poorly Represented By This Badly Written And Likely Appallingly Speld [Not funny. So? Who are you talking to? Um.. You? Me? I AM you! Well then who are YOU talking to?] Collection Of Paragraphs)
by Jennifer L., aka "stardwarf" on the message boards and the former stardwarf@hotmail.com.

Why shouldn't this essay and its author win this contest? First off, let us review the alternate title of this essay. There we find the admitted fact that the essay is written at the last minute. Countless English professors will quickly point out that if an essay is written at the last minute they will be able to tell and will grade accordingly. ( Score negative one point. Wait! This is Steve and Geoff, isn't it? Wouldn't an English-professor-offending point be counted in the positive with them? No, and I'm sure they would take offense at such a mean-spirited insinuation and grade accordingly. Negative two points.) Also pointed out in the alternate title, it is badly written and appallingly "speld" - a clear attempt to be funny and garner favor. A very poor attempt. If you're keeping score we are now at negative three points. A first paragraph that scores in the negative is clearly the product of a person not deserving of a prize unless the prize is one of the "Booby" variety. ( Yeah, I'm not touching that one. Good idea, you could get sued for sexual harassment. *Groan* Negative four points. )

Now, even a not-very-astute eye will pick up on a completely un-subtle reason "hidden" in the alternate title and reappearing throughout the essay: a simultaneously ass-kissing and painfully obvious attempt to emulate Geoff and Steve through use of "conversation" in parenthetical asides. Such a pathetic gimmick can't be looked upon any more favorably than the writer's high school essay about e.e. cummings written entirely without punctuation or capitalization, for instance. (Negative five. Hey! That wasn't a gimmick! And if it was, it was a great one! No, it wasn't. Negative six.)

Another reasons for this author and essay's lack of deserving: she has apparently disappeared down a rabbit hole. This "stardwarf", as she is often known online, was once very active on the Weeping Willow message boards. Her lack of commenting of recent can only be construed by the judges as a lack of sufficient "fanship" and must be scored accordingly. ( Bringing the total to negative seven now.) She also at one time had a website with enough traffic to provide a decent amount of link traffic to Steve and Geoff's site, abundant enough even to gain Steve's attention so that he left a note on her once thriving website's guestbook. That website is now completely lacking in visitors, due in part to her evident disappearance from the internet, and no traffic is sent on to Joseph Coaler and/or Weeping Willow. ( Negative eight now.) After Steve left the guestbook note, she emailed him and he emailed her and then at some point she completely flaked out and took so long to email back that when she did write she didn't send it because it had been too long to be funny correspondence and had just become sad and unfunny silence. ( Let's go ahead and bump that up to negative 30 for that.)

What could she possibly do to gain even more negative points? (Wouldn't that just be "lose points"? Yes. Smart ass.) She hasn't told anyone about this contest ( negative 31 now) since she only just read her email and found out about it herself. (100% of those not told have entered. Shut up. Negative 10 points for that, bringing you/us to negative 41.)

Other reasons for her undeserving-ness presented in quick list format: she never bought a T-shirt (negative 42), finally appeared on the message boards to ask about the possibility of getting a signed copy of the book only to never scrape together the measly $22.25 for the book ( negative 43), and wound up the final argument paragraph of her contest essay with a "quick list format" since she is plainly to lazy to elaborate on those last three reasons. ( Negative 44.)

The author would like to point out that despite all these negative point winning factors, she HAS been reading the ongoing Weeping Willow adventures and laughing. She just hasn't bothered to write. ( Let's round that off to a nice, even negative 50.) She sucks. (So do we. Yes, we do. And so do our math skills, so don't check those point totals too closely. Lee would probably have a fit. Or maybe just twitch and try to unsuccessfully to stifle the impulse to recalculate them. ) Thank you for your time and may someone deserving win the book.

Jennifer L.
Town Unknown

I should win this contest because I have no life and this book would give me something to do. Something else I'm missing in my life-humor. Which is also something this book would for sure give me. If I win, I'll read it continuously, maybe let people borrow it to spread the joy. And if they bend it in any way, I'll punch them in the face. So obviously, I should be the winner. :)

Cherish B.
Edon, OH

Why I deserve a copy of Weeping Willow
By Rachel H.

Actually, I already have one. And, as the loyal sister of one of the authors, I have dutifully been lending it to all my friends to give them a taste of my brother's (and Steve's, of course) whacky-yet-intellectual writing talent.

I'm really only entering cuz I can, being affiliated with (etc. etc) and if I win, don't let on. It wouldn't look good for you to be giving the top prize to your sister, now would it? All your fans would say that you were playing favorites. But it IS your contest, as you said.

Love,
Your sister's evil twin sister,
Pam

Hi,

I deserve to win and have a free autographed copy of Geoff and Steve's book because I will read it. There, fewer than 300 words with both the why I deserve to win and the what I will do with the book in one sentence. Additionally, I am that rare person you see reading book in all the lines in which you have to stand as SOP during your day to day life. I always read in lines because I would rather enjoy that time doing something other than staring into space or watching the second hand creep along tick by tick. So give me the book, because invariably, some dummy who doesn't read, always asks me what I am reading because obviously reading isn't doing anything!! It is always an excellent opportunity to talk about the book while checking out the intelligence or any other pleasant attribute of the person who so rudely interrupted me. Free advertising for Geoff and Steve, possible bootie for me. Please enjoy a mayonnaise sandwich and think of me.

Flo A.
West Hollywood, CA